Yuppies

Well, after 17 days of 'off time' (which really means, 'time that I was unable to write a post due to an overabundance of work with a sliver of fun thrown in for good measure), I have decided that it is time to post.

My working experience this summer (for the past two summers and any off time from school for that matter) has allowed me to meet a wide variety of people in need of the service our company provides. Many of this people have been quite tolerable: kind, easy to get along with, easy to talk to, etc. etc. Some of these people have been really interesting, and it has been a pleasure to meet them and work with them in planning, organizing, designing, etc. whatever it is they need, and I consider myself fortunate to have met them. However, the vast majority of these people fall into a category of people which I absolutely despise. This people are sometimes misnomered, often being referred to as 'hippies.' This is completely wrong, though. These folks are quite opposite of the liberal, non-conformist hippies that they are often confused for. They instead compose a group of the most vile creatures on this planet, known simply as, "The Yuppie."

Dictionary.com defines these people as, "n. Informal: A young city or suburban resident with a well-paid professional job and an affluent lifestyle." While this definition covers the bases, it is inadequate to say the least. As such, I feel it is my job--no, my duty--to set the record straight on just what a yuppie is, why they are almost as evil as hippies, and how best to avoid these horrid beasts.

Firstly, we must know what to look for. Yuppies, typically, can be divided into two basic groups, as can most animals: the male and the female. The male yuppie typically as short hair, which is parted to the side and coated in hairspray. This coating is needed to avoid any blowing of the hair whilst cruising in the Mercedes-Benz, BMW or Chrysler Sebring convertible automobile, as such blowing would cause him to be unsightly. Typically, yuppie male (YM) is employed by: A) the government, B) a software company or some other computer business or C) some other company which, of course, allows YM to work from home. His boots, made of course by L.L. Bean or Birkenstock, are not broken in, yet he has them just in case. His tennis shoes are also not broken in, yet he has 9 pair of them to go with each jogging suit he has. YM rarely gets involved in the 'running of the household,' as this is left to the yuppie female (YF), who controls the checkbook and the remote.

YF wears high-heals most of the time. She drives an enormous SUV (usually a Chevy Suburban or a Ford Excursion). Affixed on the bumper of her school bus is typically a large sticker of a soccer ball, a softball, a basketball or some other symbol to let everyone know, "I'm a working mother." YF is the head of the household, but she often allows her husband to appear as such. She controls all internal affairs at her home with an iron fist and is often quick to point out when YM has stepped out of this place as the figure head. She greets everyone with a firm handshake and looks them straight in the eyes, quickly establishing her place as the dominant of the two. She typically works in real estate or for the government, and, like the YM, may work from home.

All yuppie families have a home office, a large deck (or screened porch) and a MEDIA ROOM (something I had never even heard of until I was first exposed to the yuppies of Northern Virginia.)

These yuppies are incredibly obnoxious. They have plenty of money, and therefore are difficult to avoid. These are the kind of folk who need a 'wetbar' with granite counter tops and expensive ceramic tile in their finished basement--which is often larger than the house I live in.

Yuppies have everything any human being could possibly want, therefore they are dangerous to our society. I'm not saying they don't work hard, but I do believe that most of them have lost sight of the value of hard work, by which I do not mean 75 hours behind a desk, but instead physical work and physical interaction. These are the people who want (and probably will have, i they don't already have) the fridge which automatically reorders milk when they run out, thereby minimizing the amount of human interaction which must occur. They claim to be the warriors of the people, but really want to replace people which machines so they can do what they must and return to the self contained protection unit formerly known as a home.

The true impact they will have on our humble society is yet to be seen. The problem could just be beginning, and as such could be far beyond my imagination. One thing is for certain, if they have their way, everytown in America will look much like a scene from a Dr. Sues book: each house looks the same, which identical vehicles parked out front etc. etc.

In order to avoid these folks, one most do one thing: Avoid places like Northern Virginia, more specifically Loudoun County. They seem to migrate there.

I don't know that avoidance is enough, though. Before long we may find ourselves in a full on war: Real humans against the yuppie machines of the suburbs. How will we combat these syncopated androids? Only time will tell.